How to break from the cycle

Have you ever wondered about your relationship... wondering if it was actually good for you or whether it felt unhealthy? Have you ever been scared or felt pressured to do things you didn't want to do by the person you are in a relationship with? Have you been hurt verbally, physically, or even sexually by a person who is supposed to care about you?

If you have ever asked yourself any of these questions and are wondering if your relationship is unhealthy, it is also important to figure out whether or not it is abusive. Not all unhealthy relationships are abusive, an example of an unhealthy relationship is if one partner is cheating or if there is a lack of trust and communication. Sometimes when one is in an unhealthy relationship you have to decided if you and your partner can fix the problems or if it would be better for the two of you to not be together. With an abusive relationship its a little more complicated.

Once you have concluded you are in an abusive relationship there are some important steps to take:

1. Be able to name the abuse, if its physical, emotional, and/or sexual,
It is true that people can experience sexual abuse in a relationship. If you don't want to have sex or want to do anything sexual at the time, your partner should respect that and not force you to do what they want. If you say no or communicate that you do not want to do something, that means no.

2. You must ask yourself what would happen if you left the relationship?
Make sure you have a safety plan, because often times abuse can escalate or get even more scary when people try to leave. 

3. Get support!
It can be challenging, especially since a lot of people feel isolated and some even feel to embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. But its important to seek support and is one of the best forms of self care and protection you can get for yourself. You deserve to have support and to feel safe.

4. Know your rights! In Washington state you can petition for an Order for Protection at the age of 16, if you are under the age of 16 you must have a parent/ family member petition for the Order for Protection.

There is also a list of what rights you have in other states just check out  https://www.breakthecycle.org/state-law-report-cards

If you are in an abusive relationship or are worried one of your friends might be in an abusive relationship and want to talk to someone about this, Teen Link is a great resource. It is anonymous, confidential and non-judgmental. Everyone answering the phone or the online chat is also a teenager, which is nice. It is open every night from 6-10pm. The number is 1-866-833-6546 or 866TeenLink. If you want to learn more about it or want to chat, the website is www.866teenlink.org.

Is your relationship healthy? Here are some ways and questions to help you figure it out.

Check Out Your Relationships

This is a great way to look at your relationships and determine if they are healthy or not. Everyone has rights in relationships and sometimes, when we are worried about losing people or unsure where we stand with the other person/people, we forget that these rights exist. Take a minute to think about your own relationships and see whether you feel like you have the rights you deserve. 

The following article is from Project Survive, which was created at the City College of San Fransisco.
If you want more information visit their website at:  https://www.ccsf.edu/NEW/en/educational-programs/school-and-departments/school-of-behavioral-and-social-sciences/womens-studies/project-survive/right_questions.html.

 

Expect Respect

In any kind of relationship, whether it’s with family, friends, teachers, boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner you should expect respect. Depending on the particular ties between you and the other person, you may have different boundaries. For example, you’ll probably be closer with your mom than with your teacher. Your connection to your little brother will be different than your bond with the person you’re dating or talking to. No matter what kind of relationship it is, you can expect respect and other basic rights also.
Your Rights in a Healthy Relationship
HONESTY- 

The right to not be lied to

TRUST- 

The right to feel you can trust the other person

SAFETY- 

The right to feel safe

PROTECTION-

The right to protect your body

FLEXIBILITY- 

The right to change your mind at any time

CHOICE- 

The right to say NO!

NON-ABUSE AND NON-VIOLENCE-  

The right not to be hurt in any way

Ask these questions about your dating relationship:

    •    Do you feel free to be yourselves around each other?

    •    Do you accept each other’s differences and respect each other’s opinions?

    •    Do you have equal decision-making power?

    •    Are you both willing to compromise sometimes?

    •    Do you each feel appreciated and liked?

    •    Do you solve conflicts without putting each other down?

    •    Do you both accept responsibilities for your actions?

    •    Do you make sure there is no physical or sexual abuse in your relationship?

    •    Do you talk about sex if you’re having it and never feel pressured to have it?

    •    Do you give each other space?

    •    Do you have some privacy (letters; e-mails; journals)?

    •    Do you each control your own money?

    •    Do you not have to worry about jealousy or fear because you both feel secure?

    •    Do you support each other’s individual goals in life, like getting a job or going to  college?

    •    Do you always treat each other with respect?

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If you are worried about a relationship you are in or a relationship that your friend is having and want to talk to someone about this, Teen Link is a great resource. It is anonymous, confidential and non-judgmental. Everyone answering the phone or the online chat is also a teenager, which is nice. It is open every night from 6-10pm. The number is 1-866-833-6546 or 866TeenLink. If you want to learn more about it or want to chat the website is www.866teenlink.org.

Internet Addiction: When It Becomes a Problem and How to Fix It

Most teenagers have at least one thing that associates them with the internet (besides using it for school). There are so many ways that the internet can appeal to anyone: online gaming sites, social networking sites, blogging sites, etc. It is absolutely fine to spend leisure time on the internet. It can be a good (and fun) way to connect with friends, release stress, and share your thoughts, art, photos, etc. However, as the amount of time spent online increases to an amount that starts to interfere with other activities, it can become a burdening and inconvenient addiction.

Symptoms that internet addiction is becoming a problem:

• Constantly thinking about the internet -Thinking about being online, and often looking forward to logging onto online accounts.
• Cancelling plans to do other activities, such as spending time with friends, school opportunities, extra-curricular activities, etc. to spend more time online.
• Spending more time online than is necessary - Staying online longer than originally planned, or just staying online for so long that the user hasn't moved, eaten, or talked for hours. For example, the user might tell themselves that they will only spend 1 hour, but then that turns into 2 hours, then 3...
• Feeling anxious when offline, and happy and relaxed when online.
• Realizing that internet addiction has begun - If the user complains about tired, dry eyes, soreness from sitting in one position for so long, and a feeling of wanting to get off the internet but not being able to, or wanting to stop, then it is likely that they have internet addiction. This symptom is actually rather positive, because it is the first step in decreasing internet usage time, and thus, stopping the addiction!

Now, a few tips on slowing down and eventually stopping internet addiction:

• Get busy! - Start getting involved in things that keep you out of the house, or even just off the computer! Teach yourself to play an instrument, collect pieces of junk around your eyes and make an art project out of it, join a school sport, or continue pursuing a hobby that you already love!
• Procrastinate getting on the computer - Once you turn on the computer and get online, you will have a hard time getting off. If you don't get on in the first place, its much easier to stay off. Everyday (or maybe even every week), try to have a plan to "procrastinate" for 15 minutes longer than you did the day (or week) before. 
• Give your passwords to a trusted friend/family member.

The process can be very slow and frustrating, and it may get boring when you aren't in the mood to do anything but go on the internet. However, once you start to move away from constantly being online, and start to do other things that you enjoy, you will feel like a fresh, new person!

Sources:

http://www.addictionrecov.org/Addictions/index.aspx?AID=43

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/featured/11-ways-to-detect-and-solve-internet-addiction.html

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Teen Link is an anonymous and non-judgemental Teen helpline. Call or chat online (Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays) from 6pm-10pm at 1-866-TEENLINK.