Thursday, May 6, 2010

Emergency Plan

We’ve all had “the talk”. Whether it be with our parents or friends, we have discussed all aspects: from ways to avoid the situation to how to use protection if the situation arises.   

But will it ever happen? 
Many say spending hours discussing what to do in the all too unlikely event of...

  is a waste of time.    However, there are many of us who understand the importance of discussing zombie attacks before it’s too late. 

For the Non Believers:  Part of me wants to wait till the day the zombie attack happens so I can shout downI told you so!” from the lookout tower of my family's fortress.   

But, the other part of me wants to keep the world as populated with humans as possible so I’ll try and enlighten you.   

I have assembled a list of possible ways a zombie attack could actually happen using your beloved “science”.

Remember, this is OUR world!  Humans have ruled for thousands of years and we can’t let our deceased relatives destroy the society we have built!!!

Ways in which a zombie attack could actually happen: 

Brain Parasites: Yes, brain parasites!!! Brain parasites are surprisingly common in nature.  Now you’re probably thinking “those can’t create zombies”.  You’re wrong.  Taxoplasmosa gondii is a brain parasite found in mice.  However, it can only reproduce once inside the organs….of a cat. 
So how does this parasite ensure it will be able to reproduce?  It takes control of its host's brain and leads the unconscious mouse to its death.  That’s right - it makes the mouse approach the cat and forces it to be eaten.  I give it five years before this parasite evolves to taking over the human brain.

Neurotoxins:  Invisible, odorless, and lethal….well, kind of Neurotoxins are poisonous gasses that cause the body to slow down, way down.  These gases can cause the body to slow down all of your main organs to the point where you are considered dead.  However, you will not be lying six feet under in a wooden box.  No, instead you will be able to function without any control over your brain.  It will essentially turn your body into a lifeless uncontrollable creature that wanders the deserted streets of a post 2012 world...AKA, a zombie.

Mad Human Disease:  We all remember mad cow disease, right?  Those few weeks you stopped eating at McDonalds to ensure you didn’t catch it?  In case you forgot, it is a disease that attacks a cow’s spinal cord and brain.  As the name clearly states, it doesn’t make the cows too happy.  In fact, it turns them into blood thirsty monsters who’s only intention is to kill.  Needless to say, I think we can all be glad this disease isn’t able to be transferred to humans!  Oh wait, it can be.  That’s right, a disease that can turn humans into blood thirsty zombie people can be transferred to humans.  But how?  The disease can be transferred to humans simply by eating cow.  So, with companies like McDonalds and Burger King serving people burgers made from infected cows we could have an international outbreak over night. 

So, maybe now I have your attention about importance of preparing for a zombie attack.  If not, then there is no saving you.  When you find yourself surrounded by a mob of blood thirsty zombie, whether they be infected with mad cow disease or a brain parasite, just remember that it was your choice to not listen.

Now, let’s get down to what really matters:  how to survive a zombie attack. 

That’s right, this isn’t "Zombieland".  This isn’t a comedy involving zombies.   Okay?  So don’t “enjoy the little things” during a zombie attack.  Don’t spend all of your time looking for Twinkies so you can be reminded of “the good ol’ days” when you didn’t have to fight zombies.  This is serious business.

First off, I am going to assume that you have had at least three days notice to prepare for this attack.   
Usually, the virus or disease will take at least three days to spread into a full epidemic. If this isn’t the case, then you better work fast.

So, let’s get to it.

Preparation:  A big part of surviving a zombie attack is taken care of before the virus that will end mankind as we know it has even been created.  This means gathering useful materials and making plans now. 

Here are some supplies which you should always have in your house in order to be prepared for a zombie attack:

Water:  This one should be a no brainer (much like the enemies you will be fighting…punned). Not to mention, you should already have at least ten gallons of water set aside somewhere in your house for an earthquake, tornado, or hurricane.

Food:  Obviously go for the non perishables.  It’s a zombie attack…you won’t be eating five course meals that consist of shrimp cocktails and lobster.  Go for uncooked grains like wheat, rice, or corn.  These provide a good source of protein and last for years.  If you want to try and be fancy you can go for canned fruits or vegetables but they have a lot shorter life expectancy.

Wood:  You should have relatively thin, yet durable pieces of wood which are sized to cover your windows.  The first way those zombies are going to try and come in to eat you and your family is through your glass windows!  So stop them.  Along with the wood you should also buy nails and a hammer to make sure those boards stay in place. 

Radio:  In a zombie attack, radio stations are more reliable than TV stations.  This is why you should buy one of those crank powered radio/flashlights they sell at all major retail stores.  Don’t forget to have a pair of headphones on hand for listening to the radio.  Nobody wants to be the guy who was found by the zombies because he was blasting the radio.  

Apocalypse Day:  It’s happened - the zombies have arrived!
Luckily, you have read this article and you are prepared.  You have your food and water and have boarded up your house.  Now what?  Now you will begin to make the decisions that could save your life, or end it.

Weapons:  I know what you're all thinking, “Finally!!!”.  This is probably the part most of you have been waiting for, and it is also one of the the most debated aspect of a zombie attack.  But worry not my fellow fighters, I will make sure you are well equipped to handle anything those zombies might try. 

I’ll start by saying; everyone has different preferences when it comes to zombie fighting weapons.   So, I have decided the best way to be sure you have the right tools for the job is to have them all.  To simplify it, I have broken weapons into separate categories based upon their purpose.

Primary (close range):  Whether you like it or not, to survive a zombie attack your primary weapon must be a weapon which does not required being reloaded.  It could be anything from a baseball bat to a hammer, as long as it never needs to be reloaded.  This is the weapon that you should have on you at all times, even when you sleep.  For this weapon I would suggest a baseball bat (preferably aluminum).  

A baseball bat provides a good amount of power and maneuverability without losing compromising range.  Sure a hammer could do a lot of damage, but if the zombie is close enough for you to hit it with a hammer, it has most likely already infected you, in which case you’re doomed either way.  So, go with the baseball bat.  If the baseball bat isn’t fancy enough for you, then get creative!  Think outside the box; maybe attach a blade or two to the end, who knows, it may save your life. 

Secondary (mid range):  Now for this weapon, you should probably use a shotgun.  You will most likely be using this weapon to be holding back a group of zombies while they try to enter your residence.  Nothing holds back zombies at mid range like a shotgun.  Let those zombies know, it is NOT okay to come into your house by giving them a few blasts from you’re double barrel shotty.   

Secret Weapon (long range):  So you have been very good at playing defense with these zombies, eh?  But, now there is another group of survivors outside your house screaming for you to let them in.  So, you climb up to the roof to get a better idea of what’s going on. 

First - do the people seem to be infected?  By listening to the news on your crank powered radio you will know the symptoms of this disease.  Are the people showing these symptoms?  Either way, get your secret weapon ready, things are about to get real.

Your secret weapon should be something with good rangeThis means a rifle, preferably one with high accuracy and a scope attachment.  This will allow you to have the option to go on the offense if necessary.  Remember, sometimes the best defense is a strong offense

So, back to the situation at hand.  The bottom line is, if the people who've taken refuge in your fortress appear to be infected, take them out.  The harsh reality is that if not dealt with, they too will soon be competing for your brainsHowever, if the visitors appear to be uninfected, use your sniper rifle to pick off the zombies around them.  They are your fellow humans and could prove to be useful in defending your fortress, so give them a little help by picking off zombies who pose a threat to them.

Post Zombie Apocalypse:  It’s over!  And you are still human!  You have waited the attack out and the army has taken control of the zombie problem.   What now?  Rejoice, you’re not dead!  Also, go restock your zombie survival supplies.  It has now happened once, there’s a good chance it’ll happen again!



  1. thank you for providing this critical information. I will enhance my emergency preparedness kit right away!

  2. That helps a LOT thank you